Since I’ve come across a couple of bears in the wild myself

The true story of two fatal grizzly bear attacks that changed our relationship with wildlife – The Washington Posthttps://apple.news/AxKHX_BwtQ66StfeuvucwQA

But I still know it’s more likely that I get hit by a falling tree or limb…and I’m okay with that. 

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My mountain

I’m a mountain person, not a beach person. To a mountain person, one soars above all others. In my wekly depression and anxiety group yesterday, we were asked to share our dream vacation. Mine was start in one of the “southern buddhist” nations, such as Thailand or SriLanka  or Burma, and make my way up thorugh India, Nepal, and Tibet, ultimately to the base of Mt Everest. And then wordpress reader serves me up the following this morning. Hmm…the mountains are calling. Enjoy! 

http://wallflowerwanderer.com/2015/10/11/my-mt-everest/

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To my homies

I have a few friends who are going through rough patches at the moment. Im thinking about you. I know its tough but i can say that rough patches do always seem to get  better somehow, often when you least expect it. Maybe the new season coming up will swirl the cosmic forces around and bring better times. In the mean time i will be sending all the positive juju that i can! 

Metta,

Keith 

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Damn..another one

I just read that Chester Bennington, singer for Linkin Park, has reportedly committed suicide.  We lost another someone whose courage and singing about their troubles has helped people like me get through many of my hard times.  So very fucking sad.  I’ll write more later, but for now all I can say is Chester, I saw you perform twice and you were awesome.  I hope you are able to find the peace in the next life that you were not able to find in this one.  I hope that your pain is over.  I will miss you and your voice.

–Keith

I put some of their songs on and this one has been playing while I was typing this.  Read a little bit about his life and then listen to this song.  Damn.

Easier to Run

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced
It’s so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It’s easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It’s easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

 

 

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Random thoughts 7/5 edition

I Love the deck. Today i got a couple of potted plants and a new grill. Ive been grilling on my tiny weber smokey joe for the last cpl of years. Today i got a big boy weber kettle. I broke it in with a nice angus sirloin and some grilled veggies.  Yum!  Its nice to have a cool place to spend some time outdoors, as i am right now while writing this post. (When it is not dark i will take a picture).  I came acccross sour monkey from victory brewing for the first time — mmm mmmm good 🙂 

I have recently reinvigorated a cpl of semi-friendships with the locals so hopefully i can host a cookout sometime this summer. I find that im having just enough interaction with people to keep me from going full-on bonkers, even though i still dont have any really close friends here (yet). Im hoping that will change when i make it back to school next year, but im good for now. I have even (gasp) gotten some digits lately and have been thinking about trying on-line dating. Its about damn time. I think im ready, but only one way to find out. 

I have completed several home improvement projects lately. I think that once i decided i was going back to school and was going to be in this spot for the next few years, it made sense to sprice (thats a new word i just accidentally invented, a combination of spice and spruce) things up a bit. 

Im reading my second book discussing the buddha’s teachings for lay people (i.e. Non-monks). Turns out that he was okay with lay people enjoying wordly pleasures and accumulating wealth as long as it was done in the right way. Interesting. So maybe there is a chance of my semi-hedonistic yet compassionate, peaceful, and joyous  “buffett buddhism” after all!! 

Oh and i bought an electric guitar, my first one. It is so much fun to be able to make all sorts of noise! So far i have learned a riff from blackberry smoke and one from van halen. Amazon should be providing me software that is lessons in a game format…looking forward to that. Learning guitar better is on the bucket list. Maybe one day ill play a concert. (Ive been inspired by a super-cute 24-year-old with an amazing voice who sings and plays acoustic guitar every thurs night  at a hotel bar near my house; unfortunately ive got a tennis match tomorrow night so i will miss her unless it rains).  

Oh yeah, so ive been playing in tennis league. That is fun. Im still getting beat most matches, but i am getting better. Sports make exercise bearable. I want to start playing b-ball again too. 

Ill be camping this weekend and am looking forward to that. Im also planning some trips to national parks later this year. I want to see a few more before heading back to school, which will tie me down a little more than ive been used to. Bit it’s worth it. 

I think i may have discovered my purpose. More on that in another post. For now, though, i am going to enjoy listening to the sounds of the night, both the tree frogs, insects, and other critters, and the urban sounds of air comfitioners and trains and cars etc. 

I wish all beings a wonderful night! 

Metta, 

Keith 

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Isnt it good norwegian wood? 

Happy 4th of july! I decided to build a patio today. I found a great deal on an outdoor table and chair set a while back, and i finally had a moment to figure out what to do with it. 

So i built the deck and then put the table together. Right as i was about to kick back after sweating my balls off all day, a bit t-storm rolled in. Listening to some chilled rock, enjoying the cooler temps, and becoming one with the storm while hiding under the screened in room. 

Oh well, ill get a chance to enjoy the deck in the future. It was fun to build something to make my place a little nicer. It replaces a big patch of bare Georgia clay where the sun don’t shime and the grass won’t grow. Cheers! 

  

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Thank u universe! 

Sooo, the uni swirled me into a conference that i think will help to clarify my future. Im here by accident and it is turning out to line up incredibly well with my interests. 

Thanks universe! 

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so cute

a few Amy Leigh pics from this year…so cute! 

   
    
 

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crossed off the list

ive hiked here at lake russell ga several times. ive been wanting to paddle it for a while. today was the day! 

 
    
 did some swimming too 🙂 

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I’m on a roll…why quit now…time to get real

I feel like I’m waking up from hibernation.  If there are any regular readers (the four of you know who you are), you will recognize that I have had a long drought in writing here since I got back from my big trip last summer.  Well, it is true…all sorts of shit happened…and I quit posting for a while.  But I’m back, for better or worse.

in my life, I have been through mild depression, and moderate depression, and severe depression, and even holy-shit-you’re-thinking-about-killing-yourself depression, but what happened last fall was the first time that really scared the ever-living shit outta me (yes, it was even scarier than holding a knife to my wrist and ever-so-gently slicing into the skin when I was in grad school; that wasn’t that bad because I knew i was testing myself and wouldn’t really do it).  On top of the usual depression, last fall I had crazy anxiety attacks..like I constantly thought I was having a heart attack.  When I say constantly, I mean like almost continuously.  I was sure I was a goner…and this lasted for two months.  At best, a heart attack; at worst, i was simply crazy (or perhaps those should be reversed)?

Not only did I have a string of nights where i couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stop myself from picturing myself dead (sometimes but not always from self-inflicted causes), I had constant thoughts of how I would do…well…it…as in that nice little Honda generator that I got for camping, along with a lot of prescription and OTC pills, and of course, lots of alcohol to smother what was happening…would be the end of me.  I didn’t have a conscious desire to end my life…but, even scarier to my conscious mind, there was a subconscious longing to just make all of this shit go away…with some pills and some alcohol and some carbon monoxide and some pillows in the bathtub so it would be comfortable and some tarp plastic underneath so I would be easy to clean up;  yeah…I was at the point where I had imagined a “plan” but had not quite yet set that “plan” in motion…

Thankfully, even with all of that, I still had the will to live…to fight…to get better…and in the end, that WILL is all you really need to survive (thank the Universe). I knew that I needed help fast, and I sought it out, going through several doctors until I got myself into a two-week intensive outpatient treatment (the second time in my life so far).  The two weeks was spent in group therapy, and half of the people in the group were there because they had attempted or threatened suicide.  I’m much better off for going through this, and as far as i know, so is everyone else; I keep in touch with several people from that two weeks, and they are all hanging in there.

For my part, it was a re-awakening to the goodness of other people.  I had become incredibly withdrawn and isolated.  i had convinced myself I was a “loner”.  (I am indeed at times, even when I’m healthy, but that is not me always).  I had lost touch with myself and with others.  Those two weeks gave me back my life.

Slowly, since then, I have been expanding my horizons and pushing my comfort zone(s).  I have been attending a liberal church off and on, that has super nice and accepting people there.  I have joined a tennis league, and although I did go to the E.R. one night because of heart palpitations during a tennis match (due, as far as anyone can tell, to anxiety) , I haven’t died from exercising (or anything else) yet.  I sent out my first dick pics today, because, well, why the fuck not?

I keep trying to tell the anxiety to “fuck off”.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  Each time I try, though, gives me some more strength, more courage, more determination, and more control.  I WILL outlast this shit.

I promise you, if you have never been through REAL depression or anxiety, you have no idea what it is like.  It sucks, no doubt about it.  But it is something that, Universe willing, we can learn to do better with.

I am doing better.  I am getting better.  And I can’t imagine now how I ever could have imagined what I was imagining…if that makes sense.  From my now, I can’t imagine ever wanting to hurt myself, because life is too good…certainly more good than bad…and worth the living!

BTW, if anyone ever reads this and is thinking about suicide, i can promise that things can get better…please call 911 right now…your life is worth living I promise you, even if you can’t see it at the moment.  In my experience, it is usually through the worst of times that we start to understand how strong we really are and the ways that we can help others in this life…please get help and find your path forward.

Metta to all beings, especially those that are struggling…may you find peace in this world and the next.  There is nothing is more precious than life itself…please be kind to yourselves and others.

–Keith

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