Wow, the weekend went by quickly. I chilled out and watched an interesting movie (K-PAX) Friday night. I got some good sleep and felt like I had more energy Saturday. I hit some golf balls and worked on the van. I re-installed the carpet and air conditioner, installed the sink (nothing fancy, the water just runs out of a hole into a bucket), found one of my folding tables that is a good height for computer work, and I think things are pretty well good to go. I have a couple of other ideas, but the van is back to being a camper. The sink is something that I wished I had on my early May camping trip to DE/MD. It felt good to make progress on a project. I’ve been driving the van a little it more recently and it seems to be good for it; it is running strongly. It gives me confidence that perhaps it will be ready for a long trip someday. I’m going to get all the fluids flushed out pretty soon and see if they can fix the broken door handle (I’ve got the side doors being held shut by a come-along strap at the moment). I think the van and trailer give me the best configuration especially in hot weather — there is more room to sleep and a better mattress in the trailer. But working is easier in the van. I’ll just have to move the A/C back and forth between the two, but that’s not problem.
Sunday I went to hang out with Dad. Things were good, but I didn’t sleep as well Saturday night and I couldn’t shake the depression Sunday. I had a chance to talk about it with my Dad, which was good to talk about it even though I hate to burden anyone with it. I feel like it is somewhat different than in the past however I feel like maybe I have a chance at figuring out what is going on, perhaps to get to the bottom of why it is happening.
Is all of this existential anxiety a cause or a symptom of something even more fundamental lurking in the subconscious?
I feel that some sort of powerful emotion is rising up, something that has been held at bay mostly beyond the conscious mind for some time. The Buddha challenge, through removing distractions of the material world, calming the mind through meditation and mindfulness, and cutting back the influence of alcohol, seems to be letting whatever this is come to the surface. Apparently it needs to…
I’m a little bit scared and a little bit excited about this. At the very least, I’m glad that something is happening.
I called Dad and told him not to worry about me, that this process is something that I have to go through in order to grow. I have to face this if I am ever going to lead a fulfilling life. I have hope, free will, and determination. May that be enough!